If your SEC Coaches were one big frat
Just heard from the SEC: “The coaches aren’t just a group of head coaches, they are a fraternity”.
In our mind, they’ve gotta be SAEs, because they’ve got a ton of money and attract the Rock-Hunters. But we might be wrong.
- Kirby Smart: ‘The Prez’ has got the SEC hairdo, is slightly overweight, and can’t get enough of his visor. Doesn’t care what his guys do with their cars. After a few beers he can get belligerent and wants to fight everyone. But he wins. And that’s what this lot of SAEs care about. Barks at people.
- Eli Drinkwitz: ‘Smirky’ causes most of the crap and runs away having caused an almighty explosion. He’s dangerous because everyone likes his humor but no-one really likes him, but he specializes in being a dick to people. And that’s what frats love. But he won’t be missed when he leaves, quite honestly.
- Brian Kelly: ‘The Incredible Asshole’ prides himself on being The Rush Major and giving the new pledges hell on Earth. He’s Ben Affleck in ‘Dazed And Confused’ times 100. We don’t know if he murdered anyone in a past life, but it’s possible.
- Sam Pittman: ‘Fat And Funny’ is well-known for his silly phrases, and he’s just a good ole boy drinking his whiskey rye, waiting for the day that he dies.
- Billy Napier: ‘Marine’ – named because of his haircut – was expected to get thrown out in his first two years at the house but he’s still around.
- Hugh Freeze: “Dichotomy” preaches at the FCA event on a Wednesday, and calls prostitutes from his room the next one. No-one can work him out.
- Brent Venables: ‘Guard Dog’ is ready for anything that might come his war. He’s ready for anything that might come his way. Permanently bent over waiting for battle, he’s got the look of: “Don’t fuck with me”. Which is why many people don’t.
- Steve Sarkasian: ‘Sobes’ was in rehab by the end of high school, so turning up to the house sober as a judge is his thing. He’s good at not showing up for the parties, and is quite happy driving his buddies back from the bar in a very flashy car.
- Lane Kiffin: ‘The Charmer’ loves them sorority girls. Especially the pledges. He’s high the Tri-Del’s “Most Likely To Take You Home” list, but he’s also high on other lists that fraternities are more infamous for. And wait until he tells you the story about getting left on the runway by the frat in Arizona bro.
- Mike Elko: ‘The Retread’ is level-headed guy. You won’t see him screaming and crying. But you’ll see him with the boys, trying to keep the peace. Especially when Eli drops a verbal bomb, Brian threatens to kill him, and everyone suddenly wants to throw fists.
- Jeff Lebby: ‘The New Guy’ shouldn’t be there at all, but he’s had to basically replace a beloved guy who is gone to the fraternity in the Sky all too soon. He’ll sort it out, and everyone’s kinda rooting for him.
- Shane Beamer: ‘Daddy’s Boy’ works for Dad in the summers, but during term-time he’s still trying to get people not to mention him.
- Clark Lea: ‘The Young Kid’ can’t believe he’s here, but he’s having fun right now, and everyone’s enjoying his company. Everyone likes The Kid.
- Kalen DeBoer: ‘The Pacific Kid’ rolled in from out West, with a Hawaiian shirt. He’s there to look chill after replacing a legendary guy in the House, who’s picture is on the wall. But if you look him up, he’s actually from the Mid-West and he’s pretty boring. Not fun with the girls. Or boys, for that matter.
- Mark Stoops: ’40 Man’ isn’t because he’s drinking capacity. It’s because he’s – like- 40. And still here. And everyone’s too polite to say: “Dude, haven’t you got somewhere to get to?”
- Josh Heupel: “Speed” loves things at 100mph, includes Ferraris, motorcycles, and a lot of amphetamines.