Your SEC Turkey Day(s) Preview!
So it’s Thanksgiving. You’ve had 400 pounds worth of turkey, eaten too much bacon, stuffed yourself with too much stuffing, and listened to Uncle Leonard drone on about ‘woke’ society, and you look at your phone.
“Gotta go”, you say. “It’s Egg Bowl time”.
Thank God for The Egg Bowl. Whatever the year is, and however poor one or both teams are, there are two things that are certain. Firstly, that they will play each other on Thanksgiving Evening and give us a break from Uncle Leonard. Secondly, they absolutely hate each other, to the point that an Ole Miss instagram was firing around alleged conversations between Mississippi State QB Will Rogers and an unnamed Ole Miss chick.
On Friday, we look to Missouri, where they hope to have their first double-digit victory season since 2014 and solidify a New Year’s Day Bowl when they play soon-to-be Sam Pittman-less Arkansas.
On Saturday, its ‘Good Ole Fashioned Hate’ with Georgia and Georgia Tech, The Golf Course Game (or whatever it’s called) between Clemson and South Carollina, The We love The Hosses game between Kentucky and Louisville, the ‘Seriously We Really Do Hate Each Other’ game between Florida and Florida State, the ‘Usually We Shellack You’ game between Tennessee and Vanderbilt, and ‘The Invented Rivalry’ game between LSU and Texas A&M, and of course, The Iron Bowl between Alabama and Auburn, where it’s almost always exciting.
So, in order of viewing…..
THURSDAY
No.12 Ole Miss (-10) at Mississippi State: Either the bookies know something that we don’t, or they are being very generous. True, Ole Miss plays down to its competition, but this would be one hell of a play down against a listless, coachless Mississippi State team. Ole Miss’ offense is so talented that it will be fun to see the receivers one more time (Hell, Ole Miss has 19 players who are seniors this year, so it could be quite the exodus when the season ends). As for Mississippi State, we thank Will Rogers for his time. The biggest thing that will be missing is Mike Leach. Leach finished with a 1-2 record against Ole Miss, but it was always very, very fun. PREDICTION: Ole Miss by 21. This ain’t gonna be close.
FRIDAY
No.9 Missouri (-7.5) at Arkansas: Missouri has been exceptional at playing down to its opponents (see them squeaking by feckless Florida last week), and Arkansas may be another manhole that Eli Drinkwitz’s team may drop through. Playing for their head coach’s life, The Hogs are going to come out all tusks blazing in an effort to stop Missouri getting to double-digit wins. Expect KJ Jefferson to leave it all on the field in his last game, as well as Rocket Sanders, who we’re SURE will transfer after this year (probably to Oklahoma, just because!). As for Missouri? They’d better be prepared. Brady Cook was not good, and the defense seriously missed top tackler Ty’ron Hopper, who we don’t know if he’s injured for this clash in Fayetteville. Expect Missouri to once again lead on Cody Schrader, who’s been hammering defenses on the floor this year. And if Arkansas can’t stop him – or the connection between Cook and Luther Burden, then Arkansas is in trouble and Sam Pittman’s out of a job quicker than you can say: “Needs a good push-up bra”. PREDICTION: Missouri squeaks by. Missouri 41, Arkansas 38.
SATURDAY
No. 5 Florida State (-6.5) at Florida: Regardless of how awful Florida has been this year, this one suddenly got really interesting. Why? Florida State QB Jordan Travis is done for the year, his leg bent the wrong way by a North Alabama defender. Next up will be Tate Rodemaker, who did good clean-up duty against Saturday’s opponent (But then again, so could some very average quarterbacks against that lot). Travis has thrown all of his NIL money behind him in an effort to help his season count both on the grassy green as well as the wallet green. Rodemaker’s got the talent at wide receiver (Keon Coleman, Johnny Wilson) and running back (Trey Benson) to cause Florida fits. Oh, and Florida themselves are also missing a quarterback (their starter Graham Mertz, suffered a broken collarbone in the loss to Missouri). So basically, two unheard-of quarterbacks (Florida’s is frosh Max Brown) clash in what could be a messy game, with Florida State with the most talent. PREDICTION: Sorry Billy, you ain’t making a bowl game. Florida State 35, Florida 21.
Kentucky at No.10 Louisville (-7): As we’ve mentioned 400 times before, Kentucky is very ordinary. What we haven’t said is that ‘Ville is pretty good this season, armed with a 10-1 record, an already-clinched spot in the ACC Championship Game, wins over two Top 25 teams, and although they’ve ridden their luck sometimes (see Exhibit A last week against Miami), they are a very good outfit. And against UK, they are at home. Prediction: Actually going to be pretty close. Louisville 28, Kentucky 24.
Georgia (-24.5) at Georgia Tech: One of the greatest rivalry names in college football (Good Ole Fashioned Hate) will hammer three things into our brains by the end of this year’s clash. Firstly, whoever put up the line of Georgia -24 should be taken to the Clermont Lounge and given a dance he’ll never forget. The second is that the average Georgia Tech grad earns $80,000 coming out of college, while the average UGA grad earns $44,000, hence the immortal Georgia Tech frat house blanket line: ‘Welcome, future insurance salesmen’, which never ceases to make me giggle. Oh, and the third? The Bulldogs are going to beat Georgia Tech so badly that they’ll just be the Jackets by the end of it. Prediction: Georgia 45, Georgia Tech 7.
No.8 Alabama (-14) at Auburn: if there’s cool shit that happens in The Iron Bowl, it’s usually at Jordan-Hare. Whatever the season, there will be no love lost between the two, and this year Alabama will have to continue its ‘Prove It’ season, which started very ordinarily against Texas and then South Florida, before clicking into gear. Now, they are squeezing to death whoever gets in its way. Jalen Milroe has come out of the shadows and he’s living up to the hype that got him recruited by Nick Saban in the first place. And for Auburn, this is what they hired Hugh Freeze for: Beat Alabama (he did twice in a row at Ole Miss, after all). This game will start with some trickery from the bespectacled one, in an effort to make people forget the utterly abysmal showing of the previous week against New Mexico State, which was a defeat that cost the athletic department $1.8m as well a lot of Auburn fans dignity. Peyton Thorne will surprise us with a couple of dimes. Bama will answer with J-Train helping himself to a touchdown or two. And then halftime will happen. And Saban will choke the tricks and fun out of Hugh Freeze, ensuring that the only phone call he makes on his burner is to his pastor. Prediction: Alabama 38, Auburn 20.
Texas A&M at No.14 LSU (-11.5): Never in a million years did we think that this would be the SEC Jefferson Sports Pilot Game for this week, but with everyone else in the conference playing for something (be it a bowl game or ruining their rival’s season), it’s an 11am CT clash between two sides who disappointed this year. We expected LSU and Texas A&M to make enough strides to challenge for the SEC West title, but their defenses let them down. With Jimbo jobless and LSU soon to be Jayden-less, it’s going to be a pretty sad day for The SEC’s Totally Made Up Rivalry. The saddest thing about the day is that it will be Jayden Daniels’ last game in a LSU jersey (We don’t expect him to play in the Citrus Bowl). And what a season it has been for him. In our view, Daniels deserves a Heisman, but the voters may differ. As for Texas A&M, the Aggies can’t wait for the regular season to end so they can start negotiations with Evan Stewart (they will want to stop him transferring next year, and will probably have to pay the piper to do so). Prediction: LSU in a fugly one. LSU 35, Texas A&M 28.
No.24 Clemson (-7) at South Carolina: The greatest thing about The Great Golf Resorts Bowl is that for the first time in a while, there is something to play for (Carolina was 7-4 going into this one, so it doesn’t count). This is because if Carolina wins, they are bowl-eligible, which should save Shane Beamer – man who broke his foot after the Gamecocks choked against Florida – further embarrassment. On the other side is Dabo Swinney, who has pissed off many-a-Tiger fan by his refusal to go all-in on the transfer portal or NIL. His insistence that Clemson is behind the 8-ball both in the ACC and nationally is laughable at best, woeful at worst. The CFB-worst 13 fumbles haven’t helped matters. As for the game itself South Carolina’s spliff-paper offensive line is expected to once again cause Spencer Rattler to run for his life, while on the other side we expect Cade Klubnik to do something stupid because that’s been his MO this year. Prediction: Cocky gets cocky. South Carolina 23, Clemson 21.
Vanderbilt at No.21 Tennessee (-27): I don’t begrudge the Committee for not keeping Florida State in the Playoff places. But what I DO begrudge the Committee is for their stupefying logic when it comes to teams like Tennessee. What makes them so good that they are ranked No.21? Their best win was against a now head coach-less Texas A&M side. They’ve been blown out twice in the last two games. They’ve lost to a bad Florida team. This team should absolutely not be in the Top 30, let alone the Top 21! And yet to make the Committee feel vindicated about their decision, they play Vanderbilt, who have lost every SEC game by more than double digits (their closest loss this year was by 3 to UNLV). The Dores fanbase HATE the administration for not ridding themselves of the troublesome priest that is Clark Lea. Lea has continued his parade of project-building, even though the project that he’s building at the moment is standing on a landslide. Seriously, get the man out and pay the Earth for an up-and-coming Lance Leipold-type. Prediction: This should have been the Jefferson Sports Pilot Game. You were ripped off, LSU and Texas A&M fans! Tennessee 56, Vanderbilt 7.