Week 3 SEC Preview: A underrated weekend

There’s an expression in Britain that says: “They’re a bit of a wanker”. It’s basically the same as what you’d say in the USA about someone being a jerk-off, but with less words.

There are other terms: A pile of ‘wank’ (American translation: ‘Crap’), we ‘wanked all over them’ (American translation: Smashed them), ‘Wankered’ (American translation hammered), and ‘Wanky’.

Now ‘wanky’ is a term for someone or something that’s pretentious (ie ‘That’s a bit wanky).

If you don’t believe me, go look it up in the great Urban Dictionary, which will help you when you are trying to work out what ‘tarmacking’ is.

But the line about ‘bit of a wanker’ is:”Someone excessively and annoyingly pretentious and/or false, with a strong likelihood of working in the creative industries, especially “new media”. Or in American terms, a pretentious d*ckhead.

Anyway, just in case you thought this wanking analogy was just lead me into a rant about Michigan State’s Mel Tucker and the most expensive five knuckle shuffle in history, then you’re wrong. ana

It’s about Eli Drinkwitz.

The Missouri coach came into the league as an offensive playcalling genius, and has managed to produce one of the most boring and middling offense in Columbia in recent years. He’s snide, rude, and seems to get the back up of every SEC coach around. Oh, and then he said that he’d want his quarterback to bang his daughters some time in the future, which was really, really weird. In other words, he’s wanky and a wanker. That’s pretty good going.

This week, Kansas State comes to town and everyone’s expecting Missouri to get wanked on.

For pure opposites, Kansas State is a very normal program. For years they were built on Jucos because Bill Snyder – who coached there for decades – recognized the fact that the ‘Little Apple’ might not be the best thing for everybody. He retired before he was booted, and made sure the field was named after him, not the damned stadium. They produced a Heisman Contender (Collin Klein) and Darren Sproles (14 year NFL veteran), and while they’ve had down years, they haven’t been bottom-of-the-basement. And the people who root for Kansas State aren’t entitled wankers. And so when they win the Big 12, almost everyone is happy for them (except Kansas fans), because they are so un-wanky.

Anyway, here’s our prediction of this game in football terms….

  1. Kansas State at Missouri (+4.5):  KSU has the  advantage in the quarterbacking department with Walker Howard, who’s so much better than Brady Cook. Missouri has a good defense, but Kansas State has too good rushers in JD Giddens and Treshaun Ward, and  a defense that should close down Luther Burden. PREDICTION: BANG! That’s the sound of a nail in the coffin of Eli Drinkwitz! Kansas State 38, Missouri 21
  2.  LSU (-9.5) at Mississippi State: LSU has the weapons to throw all over Mississippi State, who gave up 340 through the air to Arizona. It seems that it was only the competence of the secondary (4 picks), that avoided the upset. As we’re going to say a million times – this is not your swashbucklin’ offense that you saw under the Old Pirate in the last few years. John Emery is finally back for LSU after working on something other than football , which is a boost for the Tigers. We’re taking LSU in a game more comfortable than the scoreline suggests. PREDICTION: LSU 27, Mississippi State 24.
  3. No.11 Tennessee (-6.5) at Florida: The best thing to watch about Florida in recent years has been the crowd, be it hot young things covered in body paint, or the miserable jorted redneck slumping against the giant orange wall, questioning his life choices. The great Tom Petty song has even lost its luster a bit, bearing in mind that the Gators have been doing a lot of backing down lately. On the other hand, their visitors have been riding a train of optimism, helped along by an  explosive offense. But as fun as the Tennessee train is, we still don’t know whether we trust Joe Milton — even against a team like Florida. We think Florida goes on the ground a lot with Montrell Johnson and Trevor Etienne…simply because Graham Mertz ain’t good. And for Milton? Well, if the girl in the sports bra wearing the painted “F” doesn’t get thumped in the face by one of his errant passes, she should count herself lucky. PREDICTION: Screw it. Give us the upset. Florida 31, Tennessee 29.
  4.  South Carolina at No.1 Georgia (-27.5): if South Carolina’s offensive line was bad against North Carolina (they gave up 8 sacks), then things are going to get biblical for Spencer Rattler in Athens. If Spencer Rattler gets some sort of pocket, he’s an excellent passer – and definitely a more polished QB han Carson Beck. But who are South Carolina’s weapons? And as for the Gamecocks defense, how in the hell are they going to stop future Top 5 pick Brock Bowers? No-one else can!! PREDICTION: Georgia 35, South Carolina 10.
  5.  BYU at Arkansas (-8): It’s a proving point for both teams. BYU has to prove that they fit in the Big 12, while Arkansas has to prove to an increasingly annoyed fanbase that they are going to do something in the SEC this year. Arkansas has the best QB in the SEC in KJ Jefferson. Jefferson’s had a tidy start to the season, throwing for 382 yards and 5 TDs, albeit without too much to flash. BYU might not fall apart at the secondary, but we think they’ll get flattened by AJ Green and Rocket Sanders – the latter who hasn’t been as utterly wonderful as most were predicting at the start of this year. PREDICTION: Arkansas 31, BYU 18
  6. Alabama (-33) at South Florida: A grumpy Alabama side gonna roll into Tampa with a chip on their shoulder. Expect a lot of designed reads for Jalin Milroe, and South Florida to get their asses kicked. PREDICTION: Alabama 51, South Florida 10.
  7. Georgia Tech at No.17 Ole Miss (-18.5): Georgia Tech walks into Oxford an improved side, Sure, they are a rung below what Ole Miss had to face on the road at Tulane (where their 37-20 victory greatly flattered them), but they are still pretty tidy. They rank 9th in the country in total offense, having lost by 5 at Louisville in a 39-34 shoot-out and then demolishing South Carolina State in a paycheck game. If you go QB v QB, it’s the battle of transfers, with USC transfer Jaxson Dart going against A&M transfer Haynes King. PREDICTION: Expect Quinshon Judkins to have a season-breakout game against a defense that gives up 5.57 yards/carry (120th in the country), but it will still be fun. Ole Miss 45, Georgia Tech 31
  8.  Vanderbilt (-4.5) at UNLV: How bad is the football at Vanderbilt that they are only getting 4.5 points against a UNLV team that’s bad at offense and bad at defense this year? Is AJ Swann seriously THAT awful (he leads the SEC in all quarterbacking categories  (probably because he’s had one game more than anyone else!). Will Sheppard is a very competent WR, and he should be the difference in a very fun shoot-out. PREDICTION: Vanderbilt 45, UNLV 42
  9. ULM at Texas A&M (-36.5): Texas A&M’s defense can’t be as bad as it was against Miami can it? CAN IT? PREDICTION: The fans might not be happy, but Texas A&M gets above .500. Texas A&M 41, ULM 28.
  10. Akron (-25) at Kentucky: As utterly mediocre as Kentucky has been this season, Akron has been worse. They lost to a predicted-to-be-TERRIBLE Temple team 24-21 on the weekend opener, and only beat FCS school Morgan State by 3. This will not be pretty. PREDICTION: Kentucky rolls 53-10.
  11. Samford at Auburn (N/A): You have to be super into Auburn to even think about watching this on TV, let alone actually going to Jordan-Hare in the middle of the afternoon to watch a glorified scrimmage. PREDICTION: Auburn 62, Samford 7.
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