The final week….Is Rivalry Week: Week 13 SEC Predictions

Happy Thanksgiving. Finally, we’ll all be able to see each other again. We’ll crack jokes, maybe laugh a little, and try and tell ourselves that we like sweet potato pie and can definitely have two helping of Momma’s Yams. During those family reunions, cousins of different in-state college dispositions will meet up, drink far too much bourbon, and argue like children. There will be discussions of tree-poisoning, and dog-pissing. But everywhere – from internet to in-your-face- will become a cesspool of bitter collegiate football division.

Those arguments will develop into fist-fights, probable divorces and definitely decisions never to go to Uncle Joe’s. Ever. Again.

And elsewhere, Texas and Texas A&M – the bastions of bitching – will sit each other on their high horses, telling everyone that that rivalry week – once cherished by the guys and gals in the Lone Star State – doesn’t matter to them because their rivalries going to get renewed in a few years’ time but really they’ll be envious of the rest of us, knowing that their schools administrations defacted on a beautiful weekend all by themselves. And made college football all the worse for it.

And while Texas A&M goes to LSU on Saturday night and Texas hosts Kansas State on Friday afternoon, those games simply won’t be the same.

—

Our Thanksgiving rivalry journey starts in Starkville, Mississippi, with the Egg Bowl on Thursday night and meanders like that river of gorgeous brown sludge through Arkansas, Atlanta and Alabama,  and stops in the bourbon-flushed Louisville, crowing Carolinas, and of course, gumbo-filled Louisiana where the fans of purple and white will inhale several alcoholic beverages and say goodbye to Coach O, who’s walking out with a paycheck and an adieu.

So here is our preview. As usual, we’re going to go with games we’re most interested in, rather than national interest.

THURSDAY

No.9 Ole Miss at Mississippi State (-1 1/2, O/U 62)

I’m trying to understand this: What was so mesmerizing about Ole Miss’ 31-17 victory over SEC superpower Vanderbilt that the Committee felt it important to keep Lane Kiffin & Co at No.9? Was it the fact that they limited the Commodores to 450 yards and a turnover? Was it the 1-8 on 3rd down efficiency? Was it the 144 yards rushing against a team that gave up nearly 200 yards per game before that? What was it?

And why is Mississippi State – who has won 4 out of the last 5 (and that was a 3-point loss to Arkansas) – so unloved and unranked? Do they not think much of Will Rogers, who is an under-the-radar Heisman contestant, throwing for 4,113 yards, 34 TDs and 8 INTs? Do they not like the fact that both of The Wizard Leach’s running backs – Jo’quavious Marks and Dillon Johnson, can both run and catch?

Is Rogers really that bad, compared to Matt Corral, who has 3,099 yards, 19 TDs and 3 INTs? Look, we know that Lane Kiffin has a great set of runners too (Jerrion Ealey, Snoop Conner, as well as Corral himself, who has run for over 500 yards), but let’s be honest: Both sides are very comparable.

What is certain is that we’re going to see a game for the ages. Both sides are good. Brilliant compared with Alabama? Nope. Above-average in the SEC? Certainly.

PREDICTION: Mississippi State wins 42-38. The sort of classic egg that you see in an advert for eggs. 

FRIDAY

Missouri at No.25 Arkansas (-14 1/2 O/U 62)

Missouri caused much amusement in the SEC and the college football world by ending Dan Mullen’s reign at Florida with an overtime win, finished by Eliah Drinkwitz’s successful decision to go for two and a subsequent mic-drop press conference.

Arkansas on the other side took Alabama to the hilt, losing 42-35 despite dropping 468 yards on the ‘vaunted’ defense of the Crimson Tide.

After being dreadful for much of the season, Missouri’s defense showed a sign of life against Georgia, looked vastly improved against South Carolina, and even better against Arkansas. But if Arkansas does what everyone thinks they’ll do and stack the box, forcing Tyler Badie (the SEC Blog’s vote for a Heisman) to try and ‘do his thing’ and make Drinkwitz bet on Conor Bazelak’s arm, and continue their own KJ Jefferson-to-Treylon Burks love affair, then Missouri’s going to be in some trouble.

PREDICTION: Arkansas wins going away. Arkansas 38, Missouri 17.

SATURDAY

Florida State at Florida (-3 O/U 59 1/2)

For some repugnant reason, people like going to areas that have been recently hit by hurricanes or natural disasters and simply stare and take photographs. People slow down smoking cars post-crash on the side of the highway for the same reason. And for some reason, college football fans love to cheer on a Titanic or 14 during the college football season – and seemingly none harder than what’s been happening in Gainseville.

After last week’s debacle at Missouri (to add to the debacles against South Carolina and Samford), the Gators cut ties with Dan Mullen, and now they are managerless for a Florida State team that’s won two straight and has shown more than enough signs of life this season.

But let’s face the facts: Both teams are struggling, and the winner gets bowl-eligible. It’s strange saying that if you consider the past teams from Tallahassee and Gainseville, but it’s true.

That’s why, for fans of smoking engines, fallen trees and debris, people will be watching. And laughing.

PREDICTION: Florida State with the upset. FSU 44, Florida 38

Kentucky vs Louisville (-3 O/U 57 1/2)

No-one likes a boring rivalry game. They say they don’t mind it, but that’s not true. No-one likes it. Well, this edition of the Governor’s Cup (Change it to the ‘Bourbon Bowl’, will ya!!!) features one of the game’s most exciting quarterbacks (Louisville’s Malik Cunningham (2,589 yards passing, 942 yards rushing), and one who will literally run you over (Kentucky’s Will Levis).

To put in horse racing terms, you’ve got to look at the form guide. Louisville’s had back-to-back convincing victories, while Kentucky has won two games – albeit against Vanderbilt and New Mexico State- but before that was trumped in the last three.

We can’t wait to see how both teams face each other’s rushing attacks, with Louisville’s Cunningham leading the way and Chris Rodriguez for Kentucky on the other.

PREDICTION: Kentucky comes away with the win in the Bourbon Classic. Kentucky 43, Louisville 38.

No.3 Alabama (-19 1/2, O/U 55 1/2) at Auburn 

It’s Iron Bowl Time, so that means that we’ll all be keyed into CBS, right? Well, we’ll be keyed into the first quarter or two of this one, until Alabama has a three touchdown lead, and the conversation moves towards Bryce Young’s inevitable visit to New York City, whether Jameson Williams will be the top taken wide receiver in next year’s draft, and whether Alabama can beat Georgia in the SEC Championship Game.

Of course, there will be mentions of Cam Newtons and Kick Sixes. We’ll see highlights of the crazy Bo Nix game of 2019. We’ll chat about Trent Richardson, see close-ups of Nick Saban churning up the sideline grass like a cocaine-fuelled Napoleon, and listen to the eternal feces vomited out by Gary Danielson. And then the neutrals will turn over to other games, because if we’re honest – there are better things to do.

PREDICTION: Alabama wins this by a mile. Alabama 48, Auburn 17.

No.15 Texas A&M (-6 1/2 O/U 45 1/2) at LSU

On Saturday night, Death Valley will celebrate the end of Ed Orgeron’s tenure, where the generally-incomprehensible Cajun led the Tigers to a National Championship, and then two seasons of poverty. Coach O will leave with a very nice $17m payout, which should do nicely for beach holidays and a room with a view for himself and his new belle.

But if the pictures from Saturday night are anything to go by, Saturday night in Death Valley could be Quiet Night in Death Valley. Tickets are available from $40, with even the nice ones on half-way line just $140.

On the other hand, Texas A&M has come back a little. The Aggies’ QB Zach Calzada – despite having to visit the injury tent seemingly every week to get his shoulder popped back in – has proven to be an excellent back-up after the injury to Haynes King, despite his early problems. They’ll ride him because LSU will try and stop the Aggies’ excellent running back Isaiah Spiller, who has put together a quiet-by-his-standards 984 yard, 8 TD season.

The problems for LSU is that their offense is clueless, hindered by a bad quarterback and an offensive line so beaten up it’s its own episode of ‘ER’. And on the other side of the ball, they give up big plays as well – so smashed-up is the secondary.

PREDICTION: Texas A&M wins it’s second-straight ‘rivalry’ game. Texas A&M 31, LSU 14.

No.23 Clemson (-11 O/U 42 1/2) at South Carolina

Although their programs have been on the opposite ends of the spectrum in the past six years, Clemson and South Carolina still have mutual disdain of each other, and it’s unlikely that that will ever end.

As we all know, Clemson has been one of the most disappointing stories of the 2021 season. Their offense has struggled – at times hilariously (78th out of 130) hasn’t been great this season but still has an 8-3 record and a good-but-not-great chance of winning the ACC Coastal for the 4 millionth time in a row.

South Carolina – on the other hand – recently beat both Auburn and Florida – and has been surprisingly good. It’s not been pretty at times, but the ‘Cocks are bowl-eligible, and that’s cool.

This year won’t be a pretty game. Both sides aren’t pretty sides at the moment. But for the first time in five years….it’ll be competitive.

PREDICTION: South Carolina with the stunning upset. Gamecocks 20, Clemson 17.

Vanderbilt at Tennessee (-31 O/U 62 1/2)

Sigh. I remember when the Redneck Rivalry was fun. Vanderbilt used to use Tennessee as a punchline, and Big Orange was exasperated at why they couldn’t consistently beat their snobby neighbors.

Well, the times have changed. Tennessee slaughtered the ‘Dores last year, and they are going to do it this year, too. True, Vanderbilt showed some guts against Ole Miss, but this Tennessee side is Ole Miss on steroids.

PREDICTION: Vanderbilt 58, Vanderbilt 21.

No.1 Georgia (-35 1/2 O/U 54 1/2) at Georgia Tech

They call this rivalry ‘Good Ole Fashioned Hate’, which is one of the great names for a rivalry. But truth be told, this isn’t going to be a rivalry game. It’s going to be a slaughter.

Georgia – as they have all season with better opponents – will mangle, chomp and crap on Georgia Tech’s front, eat their quarterback alive, and let their excrement flow out of them at the 50 yard line. All before half-time.

The good news for Georgia Tech graduates is that they will earn an average of twice as much as Georgia students upon graduating. But right now, it’s won’t matter. Georgia fans will be the ones crowing in the Clermont Lounge.

PREDICTION: Georgia 52, Georgia Tech 7.