A quick 20 gripes about the SEC

May 8, 2021 Alex Haddon

I love the SEC. It’s got awesome players, awesome facilities, but there’s stuff that really, really pisses me off that I thinks important to moan about before the season. I would put this on my Twitter feed (@SECBlog, folks), but it’s long. And rambling.

So here’s a quick 1 -20:

Nick Saban: What a little prick he is. The guy wants everything his own way. Yes, he’s the most worshipped coach in college sports, but there’s no need to act like a dictator. Why doesn’t he just stop being an asshole to the press? And why can’t the journalist that he’s been such a d**khead to say: “Hey man. There’s no need to get so rude.” Yes, I get that he could be found with 18 dead hookers in the back of his car and get caught by Tuscaloosa police and get away it, but why can’t he just be civil to journalists?
Seating: Sorry, you’re making me spend HOW MUCH on a college football ticket, when you consistently make my seat room smaller to get a few more thousand in, despite the fact that everyone around me – including me – is getting fatter. And why is the good seating only for the rich people? Oh wait, it doesn’t matter because everyone is standing and therefore it “adds to the atmosphere!”. Yeah, well at half-time on a September afternoon kick-off, it sucks ass. And I’ve said this everywhere from Baton Rouge to Sanford Stadium to the Cotton Bowl.
Our non-conference games tend to suck: Remember Point No.2? So wait, I’m meant to fork out how much for an uncomfortable seat as part of my season ticket package (plus bribe to the university for my ‘right to buy’ to watch us beat on Little Sisters Of The Poor U in September? Sorry, was that THREE times I was meant to do that this year? Oh, I might get to see a good non-conference opponent. Oh wait, it was going to be cool until my school sold its ass to [add billionaire NFL owner here], and the idea of having a cool home-and-home went out the window. Oh wait, you mean I get to see us playing Big U in [checks notes] 2050? OH, SOUNDS AWESOME!! I WON’T EVEN KNOW MY OWN NAME BY THEN!
‘The kids are getting an education”: Yeah, sure this 6-5 kid – who runs a 4’3 40 and is the Second Coming of Randy Moss really wanted to come to YOUR SCHOOL because he wants to come out with a masters of business. What a crock of crap. The school’s making a ton more money off this kid’s back in TV revenues and everything else, so pay him proper money. Damn, he can’t even get a damned job before the NCAA gets up in his ass.
The NCAA: They aren’t good at women’s rights, they aren’t good at athlete’s right. Shit, what are they good at?
Lane Kiffin: He’s seems the older guy who shows up at the frat kegger and hits on the sorority girls. You know, like the dudes from ‘Old School’?
We need a turnover dildo: Turnover chains, chainsaws, ‘Thank You’ signs, and, er, trash cans are all well and good, but what we really, really need is a turnover dildo. Because what you really want to yell at the opposition is: “Hey, we really [add something weird and sexually ‘ripe’] in the [add area of body here]”. The turnover chain just doesn’t do it justice. Note: The dildo should only be brought out when you’re kicking the opposition’s ass, or in a tight game. Don’t do it when you’re down 3 touchdowns with 5 minutes left, and it’s the back-up QB.
What’s with the ‘Light the stadiums stuff?’: God, that’s stuff sucks. Lighting up stadiums sucks. No-one cares. It’ll look good on social media, but apart from that, it’s you raising your phone in the air and trying to make it fun, without the joy of mind-expanding drugs (unless you’re in Pac-12 stadiums, when mind-expanding drugs are obligatory).
College football is getting weedier: Even 5 years ago, you didn’t see defensive football players fall on the ground when facing a fast offense. Now, it seems to happen on every damned drive. And yes, your players are doing it. Basically, your head coach has watched too many soccer games and thought: “How can I bring the art of the cheating asshole soccer player into the game. Oh look! They fall down when the opposition team’s got the ball! Let’s do that shit too!”
Ed Orgeron: I don’t know what he hell is going wrong at LSU, but maybe photos of you in bed with some hottie doesn’t reflect great leadership. Also your school has hired a sociopathic [add expletive here] as a women’s college basketball coach. And on the day that there was outrage about what had happened at your school in terms of sexual harrassment, you welcomed this terrible human being with open arms. I guess you didn’t get the memo.
Politics and sports: Tommy Tuberville, that lunatic asshole who’s somehow a Senator for the State of Alabama, said that politics and sports should mix. Cool Tommy, I get you. So I’ve got an alternate idea. Let’s stop politicians talking about sports. Let’s ban all politicians and lobbyists from college football games. And I mean everyone from the President showing up to the Army-Navy game to the local judge trying to put stickers on people at a Texas A&M-Kingsville play-off game. While we’re at it, let’s not have a politician talk sports in the least. No-one involved in State or World politics should ever talk about sports. No tweeting about the Olympics, Joe. No rooting-for-Texas A&M-even-though-you’re-a-Texas-grad, Gov. Abbott.
Coaches: Still weird how the SEC has zero black head coaches, isn’t it? But then again, with the power balance at most of these schools in terms of boosters, is it that surprising? I mean, it’s not ‘racist’, it’s….. I mean, racist?
Neutral site games: They suck. If you honestly think that a game at JerryWorld or other stadiums are better than a home-and-home against another school, you are smoking crack. JerryWorld sucks. Bank Of America Stadium Sucks. Invesco Field sucks/ If you are in the top tier, you are literally watching the game on TV. You would do better on your coach with a 12-pack of beer with a better view. Oh, and it’s not in Dallas. It’s in Arlington. The Cowboys haven’t played in Dallas since 1970. The only neutral field stadium that doesn’t suck is a ‘novelty’ stadium, like Bristol Motor Speedway when it hosted Tennessee vs Virginia Tech.
College football ain’t going to be as fun without everyone getting a vaccine: Honestly, if we don’t have herd immunity (or at least if the State doesn’t) by September, then being in a crowd with a bunch of drunk assholes who think they are immune from COVID-19 and therefore won’t get a vaccine, is pretty frightening. Even if you’re vaccinated, the worry about people being unsafe and crowding is going to stick in the back of your mind. Yeah, I don’t think I’m going to be hugging random people when my time scores a touchdown against our most hated rival.
The ‘neutral fan just there wearing the colors’: OK, don’t be the dick walking into the stadium ‘representing’ your team. I’ve see two overweight Michigan and Florida fans do it when Texas and Oklahoma have played each other (they were asked if they were lost by both sets of fans). If you called an idiot (and that’s a polite version of what people might say to you), it’s because you deserve it.
The away fans: Some places are more accepting than others. Generally, the SEC will have the lovely Southern tradition of being nice to your face but assholes behind your back (Georgia fans will just bark at you). But if you go to another team’s stadium wearing your team’s gear at somewhere like Penn State, Auburn fans, prepare for crap to get thrown at you. You are going to get abuse, and it won’t just be about your team. Be prepared for fans to question whether your family is related, and be told where you can stick your head. And fans won’t care whether you are a man or a woman. Quick tip: Go to a game, stand up when other people stand up, don’t go crazy when your team scores, and walk away and celebrate in the car. And don’t be a dick. Also, do this when wearing gear and you’re not sitting with other fans of your team in SEC stadiums, too.
The other player: It’s OK to be really happy when the best player on the opposition team leaves with an injury. I mean, you don’t hope for a broken leg, but if your team has any angle one winning, that will do? You think that’s insensitive? Didn’t see the Notre Dame fans crying their eyes out for Trevor Lawrence in Clemson-Notre Dame I, did you? And if you think this is unsporting, then so be it. You’re not exactly hoping for their death. You don’t even care if they come back next week. But right now, screw off.
College Football chants are generally crap: If you want really good, witty chanting, watch a vid like this. For a bunch of educated college kids and fans, your chants are an abuse to life. I mean, from ‘We Are…’, to ‘Saw Varsity’s Horns Off’ to ‘wooing’. AND STOP BARKING AT PEOPLE, GEORGIA FANS.
‘Bulletin Board Material’: Jimbo Fisher this week said that Texas A&M would beat the ass off Alabama when Saban was still in charge. Alabama fans cried: “Bulletin board material!” What a crock of shit. What did they think that Fisher would say to the Houston Aggies Booster Club? Was it “Oh darn, we’re ****ed until Napoleon leaves Tuscaloosa?”
NINE FRICKIN’ GAMES: For the sake of Christ, give us 9 games, SEC coaches and ADs. Nine games. OK, so you stop Prairie View A&M getting a game and it hits the ‘trickle down effect’, but everyone needs to be in line and do 9 in-conference games out there. It means SEC match-ups like Georgia vs Texas A&M come along every 5 years rather than every 15. I know why those who are refusing it are doing so. Shitty schools don’t want to give up a potential game of revenue for the season, and they don’t want to stop a slate of 3-4 easy games, meaning going 3-5 or 2-6 in conference play will give them a date in Florida and a week on the beach.

Sermon over. It there’s anything else you can think of, lemme know.