14 Last Minute SEC Head Coach Recruiting Pitches Before National Signing Day

Right, so National Signing Day’s tomorrow, which means that it’s Christmas for anyone who loves seeing if their school’s signing up some good talent.

Why haven’t we gone more crazy on the recruiting front? It’s easy. I could get excited about a recruit, only for him to de-commit 400 times before making a decision, so I’d rather wait until National Signing Day. And then go crazy folks. Which I will do.

Somewhere in the SEC, our head coaches are calling, texting, FBing and sexting recruits (OK, maybe not the last) in an effort to get them to come and play for their schools. As a unit, it’s worked: 80 commitments will be to SEC schools on Wednesday.

But there’s still room for more. So here we go….

ALABAMA (Nick Saban)

“Come be part of a project!!”/ “Our kids go play in the NFL”/ “We’re much better than we were against Oklahoma!”/ “Unless you’re really ****ing stupid, you won’t get arrested in Tuscaloosa. We make sure that there’s a taxi service taking you from bars to dorm so there’s no problem”/ “I promise that you won’t have anything to do with Lane Kiffin if you don’t play offense”/ “If you’ve never seen a short dude scream at you, then I can provide that experience.”/ “My electric slide’s better than anyone other mother****er’s electric slide”/”BECAUSE I’M NICK F**KING SABAN”

ARKANSAS (Bret Bielema)

“If you like to run the ball, this is an offense to play for.”/”Help us actually win a SEC game!”/ “My wife’s really hot!”/ “If we win, it’ll be #karma”/

AUBURN (Gus Malzahn)

“You wanna come help us take it a step further and win the darned National Championship!”/”If you don’t play, you can always go and be part of the US Sprint Team. That’s how fast our offense is!”/”Jordan-Hare rocks! Especially if we’re pulling it out of our a*s!”/ “You’ll get to see a cool Eagle which has been known to crash into a luxury box!”

FLORIDA (Will Muschamp)

“Come and be part of the resurrection of one of college football’s greatest teams” /”The weather’s nice, and girls are hot”/”Everyone looks great in jorts!”/”You’ll get chomped in Gainseville! Promise!”/ “The Swamp’s a great place to play football! Unless we’re losing!”/ “Look, I’ll be out in a couple of years, and I know the new Florida Coach is going to love you!!

GEORGIA (Mark Richt) 

“I’ll love you, and you can be sure Jesus will love you.”/ “I’m not going to be a missionary in the next year. I promise”/”UGA fans won’t blame anything on you. They’ll blame it all on me. And Mike Bobo.”/ “If you get arrested, I’ll boot you off the team, then you wait a year then go play for Auburn or Alabama. SEC baby!”

KENTUCKY (Mark Stoops) 

“Come be part of the recovery. We’ll make sure people HEAR of Kentucky football. And not just because of our former quarterback becoming Mr Stay Puft“/ “Help me show I’m a better coach than my brother at Oklahoma!”/ “You’ll see a disappointing basketball team full of freshmen!”/”You’ll get good horse racing tips!”

LSU (Les Miles)

“You have a choice in life: You can be the hammer or the nail. At LSU, you can be the hammer.”/ “Come play for a bats*** crazy coach…and still go to the NFL in three years!”/ “Death Valley at night is the most awesome place you’ll ever play in. When you go to the NFL, you’ll be thinking: “This atmosphere’s good, but it’s nothing compared to LSU”. And if you go somewhere else, you’ll be regretting not playing here/ “I don’t smoke grass, I eat it”/ “You can blindside somebody in TigerLand, and if you’re good, I’ll get the players to vote on whether to keep you! I won’t even boot you out!”

MISSISSIPPI STATE (Dan Mullen)

“Trust me, you won’t get a headache from the cowbells if you’re playing for Mississippi State!”/ “Help me prove a point to everybody! I need you!”/ CLANGA CLANGA CLANGA CLANGA CLANGA

MISSOURI (Gary Pinkel)

“We’re new. We punch people in the mouth. We’ve got a great offensive game. And we can fly.”/ “We promise that our kicker won’t screw it up for you like the 2013 boys”/ “It’s warmer than you THINK in Missouri. Plus you get to get away for most of the fall, anyway!”

OLE MISS (Hugh Freeze) 

“Come be part of the biggest revival since a Bill Graham Crusade”/”Jesus loves you. And he loves Ole Miss Football”/”Dude, I’m the guy who coached Michael Oher. Oher’s now in the NFL, making tons of money. Come play for me.”/ “Come play in the most beautiful little college town in the world, with the most beautiful little college gals you could ever wish to see”/ “The crowd at The Grove will worship you when you win. And drink with you if you lose. Not that you will”.

SOUTH CAROLINA (Steve Spurrier)

“If you come play for me, I’ll let you talk crap about Clemson and Georgia. “/”If you haven’t got injury worries, I won’t tell the press you suck. You know, like I did to Jadeveon Clowney”/ “Sandstorm’s awesome. And there’s no sand. Speaking of sand, if you like golf, we can go play Augusta together. Have I told you how much I love golf? Anyway, me and Jack….[trails off into a golf story]/ “Come be part of a team that more often than not seems to beat the SEC East’s representative in the SEC Championship Game…but never goes”/ “Come drink with me before I go on TV!!”/”If you’re a QB, I’ll give you as many chances as I did to Stephen Garcia!”

TENNESSEE (Butch Jones)

“Our stadium is awesome. Especially when you’ll be leading the team in our revival”/ “Our checkerboard end zone is amazing. Try dancing in it!”/ “Come play for a team on an upswing”/ “I PROMISE I AM NOT GOING TO BE LIKE LANE KIFFIN AND LEAVE YOU”/

TEXAS A&M (Kevin Sumlin)

“Come play in the loudest stadium in college football. Our fans are badass. And faithful”/ “Johnny Manziel, Mike Evans, Luke Joeckel and Von Miller all played here. We have NFLers on both sides of the ball”/ “Midnight Yell is the best experience you’ll ever have”/ “Summers in Texas? Ever seen ‘Junction Boys’? We promise we’re not going to do that to you.”/ “We worship a dog. Dogs are cool.” / “We’ll let Johnny Manziel sleep with your girlfriend”

VANDERBILT (Derek Mason)

“You’ll be playing for one of the best defensive minds in college football. Derek Mason was a god at Stanford”/”Nashville’s got more to do than any other SEC town.”/ “Even if you don’t go pro, you’ll be able to start up your own hedge fund and laugh at the NFL guys making a lot less than you/”Dumbasses need not apply”